Monday, December 29, 2014

On Santa


I was informed that there was no Santa when I was six-and-a-half years old, on a June day, on the way to the local community swimming pool.

By my sister.

Who had just turned three.

Rachel and Jenna, circa 1991. Don't be fooled by Jenna's sweet face in this picture. She is the Santa-dream-killing devil.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Dear Seattle Drivers....

You are awful. I won't say that you are the worst, because Massachusetts has that market pretty well cornered, but you are bad. The thing about you is that you are uniquely bad. While Massholes are renowned for their aggressiveness and wanton disregard for things like traffic lanes, which I'd say is classically bad, you, Seattle Drivers, are actually killing each other with kindness. Add to that a complete lack of awareness of your general surroundings, and you have a recipe for me wanting to strangle all of you.

Friday, December 12, 2014

On dentist visits and moral superiority

Within the next few days, I'm going to be seeing the dentist for my semi-annual visit, scheduled well in advance out of a deeply-rooted sense of moral obligation about my oral hygiene as instilled by my parents. All dental visits are essentially exactly the same, and I'm sure this one will be no different.

Make no mistake, Comcast is f*cking you over.

Let me just say right out of the gate, I have been a Comcast customer on and off in varying cities for the better part of the last 9 years. I have power cycled routers, power cycled modems, power cycled cable boxes, and spent countless hours on the phone with "customer service" when those things failed, only to be told (after unspeakable amounts of time on hold) that I should just go ahead and try those things again.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

According to Avery (3 months old)

If this is Avery at 3 months, imagine what we're in for when she's a teenager.

Mmm-hmm, Mmm-hmm, yes, yes, very interesting.

Oh, pardon me! Turkey sandwiches always give me a touch of indigestion. 

Anatomy of a Parenting Fail

7:15am: Temporary nanny arrives at our house so that we can show her the ropes before we entrust our child to what is essentially a (23-year-old) total stranger.

7:20am: Realize that said 23-year-old total stranger is probably more qualified to take care of our child than we are when she already knows how to use every single baby apparatus in our house.

7:21am: Watch as my child gently caresses the nanny's boob and realize that (1) she knows where food comes from; (2) she is not picky; (3) I'm just a walking milk keg.

Monday, December 1, 2014

A transplant's guide to living in Seattle

These are just a few of the things I've learned during my four and a half years as a Seattle transplant. I'm sure I've missed a ton of stuff, so feel free to add suggestions in the comments. I'll update this post with the best contributions.
On Proper Pronunciation...

It's Pike Place Market, not Pike's Place Market. Just Pike. Not possessive. Mispronouncing this is a dead giveaway that you're not from these parts.