New Year's resolution season at the gym

January is new year's resolution month, AKA the only time of year that the gym is actually crowded. Regular gym goers hate January. Suddenly, the gym becomes a crowded purgatory filled with self-righteous resolution rats who understand nothing about fitness equipment or etiquette. If you are this person, read on at your own peril. You're about to learn some cold, hard truths.


(1) You will not be here in a month. If past experience is any indicator, you won't be here in three weeks, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of doubt here and assume you'll be taking up space for at least four full weeks. Because you owe it to yourself to be healthy and you want to lose five pounds and you're going to Mexico for Spring Break blah blah blah. After four weeks, you will go back to your lazy mornings and your after-work happy hours and try to ignore the membership charge that goes on your credit card every month for the rest of the year. Maybe you'll consider it your penance for failing to work out.

(2) See that bitch on the treadmill next to you throwing side-eye at you as you sip lemon-flavored water from a giant pink knock-off Nalgene with a straw while "jogging" in your brand-new Lululemon outfit that you treated yourself to in order to inspire your new fitness regimen? That bitch is me. And I hate you. Why? Because you are currently on my favorite treadmill. Bumping me to this other guy's favorite treadmill. And he's now hovering because all of the other treadmills are taken with people just like you. People who will not be here in a month.


(3) That spin class you just took? Yeah, that wasn't nearly as hard as you're telling yourself it was. Why? Because it doesn't matter how fast your legs go around if you don't actually put any resistance on the bike. Speed + resistance = work, and you were missing a critical component, my friend. How do I know this? Because I can see the display screen on your bike (which is normally my bike, and so I know exactly how that bike calibrates resistance, watts, etc.). Also, you spent the entire time talking with your friend and never once broke a sweat, so there's that.


(4) Speaking of spin class, yes, you do have to sign up for this class in advance. Yes, people are assigned bikes. And yes, I am kicking your ass off of my bike. Sorry not sorry.

(5) And speaking of breaking a sweat, see that spray bottle over there next to the towels? Yes, that spray bottle. The one that several folks seem to be using to spritz their gym equipment after each use. Exactly. Okay, now go pick it up and wipe. down. your. fucking. equipment. Oh, you didn't sweat on the machine? Congratulations, you've just wasted 45 minutes of your life not sweating while at the gym. You still have to wipe down your equipment.

(6) So you've decided to add a little strength training to your regime, eh? Yeah, cardio is a real bitch, just like that woman on the treadmill next to you... Anyway, you roll up to a Body Pump class and proceed to take two 4lb dumbbells, two 5lb dumbbells, two 6lb dumbbells, two 8lb dumbbells, and two 10lb dumbbells, and you would have also taken 7lb and 9lb denominations but you couldn't find those. News flash: you get two sets of weights. One "light" and one "heavy," depending on your ability level. I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that you will not be using those 10lb weights, and if you do, you will be risking grievous bodily harm by catastrophically fucking up whatever exercise you are doing in order to use more weight. In the mean time, I will have to ask others around me to borrow weights because you are hoarding them. Are you cool standing under all that shade being thrown at you? That's still not an excuse for why you've failed to break a sweat.



(7) Oh, you've found the rowing machine! Congratulations. Seems easy? Even though you've maxed out the resistance? Yeah, that's because you're doing it wrong.

(8) And the rope pull? Doing that wrong too.

(9) And the indoor track... you need to pay attention to which direction you're supposed to be running (if you can call that running) because when I come barreling around the corner and blow your shit up, it will be your fault for failing to follow directions.

(10) Sadly, you cannot count the 30 minutes you just spent in the sauna / steam room as exercise, even though it was the only time you broke a sweat.

(11) That delicious "power smoothie" you just got from the smoothie bar? The one with "power foods" like bananas and peanut butter? To help you build muscle post-workout? I'm not going to tell you how many calories are in it, but suffice it to say you'd need about 6 hours on the elliptical machine in order to burn that off. Do you feel my smirk burning through the back of that towel you have draped casually around your neck while you sip that smoothie? I bet you do.

All this is to say... thank you for paying for me to use the hell out of fancy gym equipment five or more days a week, every week, year-in and year-out. The annual membership that you won't be using makes my habit possible. Now get the hell out of my gym.

Looking forward to February!

xoxo,

That bitch on the treadmill

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